SNS 1) “I am totally helplessly endlessly entirely deeply in love… happy 2 weeks baby!!! !!!!!1!1!!!!! ♥“ 

I’ve got three things to say about this one.  One: I’ll have whatever she’s having!! Two weeks?! You almost hope that this is a typo and was supposed to be two years, or two decades! Two weeks?! Just to clear the air, a woman posted this on her Facebook.  No dude would ever be able to get away with writing something like this without being verbally thrashed by his dude friends, probably even his chick friends, parents, grandparents, etc.  Two: Dude, GET OUT NOW.  When poor “baby” read this, his stomach probably fell through the floor as he simultaneously shit his pants.  What started as a casual relationship that became official has turned for the worst within the span of 14 days.  Enjoy spending each 8th day of the month at Applebees celebrating your month-and-counting anniversary.  This is the same kind of girl that can’t wait to slap her stick figure family sticker on the back of her mini van as she drives the kids to soccer practice.  Either find your way out and move to Mexico, or drink heavy every day; you’re in for the real deal.  Three: How does the Facebook community respond to something like this?  Do you comment, “Good for you! Glad to see things are working out”?  Or do you respond with, “What the hell? Who is this guy again?”.  Creepy.  Then again, maybe love at first sight is real(?).

SNS 2) “is living my life in a slow hell” 

Come on, Remorseful Robert.  There is no better way of saying that your life is the pits than by writing something as sappy as this.  From my personal study, posts like this come from dudes on a regular basis that couldn’t keep up with their materialistic girlfriends, so they get dumped for a Jersey Shore lookalike (good for her).  These are generally followed up with comments like “Dude, are you all right man?” or “Awww, baby it’s going to be all right” or “What’s wrong?  What happened? Call me!”.  I’m always waiting for the guy who “Likes” a comment like this, because it’s then left up to interpretation.  Does he mean that he is enjoying in their suffering, or does he truly think living life is a slow hell?  How can you be sure?  That’s my kind of guy; always keep them guessing.  As for Debby Downer, you live in a country where you have the opportunity to do what you want, say what you want and when you want to within reasonable legal standards.  When have you worried about land mines as you’ve walked to and from your destinations?  Life is good, man.

SNS 3) “With the birds I’ll share this lonely view. With the birds I’ll share this lonely view….”

There probably isn’t a better SNS post that I enjoy more than people relating to life in the words of a song lyric.  Who are you, Mike Tyson?  This is probably by far the most overplayed Red Hot Chili Peppers’ song on the planet, and you’re comparing your frustration and lonesomeness to “the birds”?  Come on, son.  Whenever this happens, I fight back sending them YouTube links of Wham!, The Polyphonic Spree and The Partridge Family (bird reference, get it?).  If you’re going to use a song lyric, get creative!  We get it, you’re having a rough patch, and we also know now that you regularly listen to X-107.5 FM and practically nothing else.  I’ve got a tip for you; expand your library! You won’t regret it!